Check Back Later
by mrthou
Summary: *ABANDONED* A Ranma 1/2 Alternate Universe. What if Ranma showed up 1 year later?
1. Prologue

## Check Back Later 

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction

By MrThou

Disclaimer: I disclaim any ownership of the characters in this story. They were created by Rumiko Takahashi. I'm just borrowing them for a bit. This is also a work of parody based on The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, by Douglas Adams. Being a work of parody, it is protected by law.

#### Prologue

* * *

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Qinghai province of central China, there lies an utterly forgotten training ground.

To the north of this training ground at a distance of approximately forty kilometers, is a largish cluster of villages, whose insignificant population numbers less than four digits, and are so amazingly backward, they still think wind-up watches are a pretty neat idea.

These villages had a problem, which was this: Most of the people in it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. The men were unhappy because they were treated like slaves, and the women were unhappy because the men kept running away. Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of them involved the movements of the men away from the village and being eaten by the local wildlife, which is odd, because on the whole, it wasn't the local wildlife that was unhappy.

And so the problem remained; the women beat the men, the men ran away, and most of them were miserable, even the ones with wind-up watches.

Some people had speculated that moving from Greece had been a bad idea. Oh, sure, nature was pretty, and not paying taxes was quite nice, but all the isolationism was getting annoying. Nothing exciting ever happened. A few even suggested that perhaps beating up the men was a bad idea, but if they were male, they were beaten, and if they were female, they were burned at the stake as heretics.

And then, one Thursday nearly three thousand years after the founding of the village, a young man sitting alone under a tree realized exactly what all the other men were doing wrong, and his world could finally be a free and happy one. This time it was right, it would work, and he wouldn't get eaten by the local wildlife!

Sadly however, before he could dunk himself in the spring of drowned woman, and indeed, just as he arrived at Jusenkyo, he was knocked off a cliff by a girl chasing a panda, and ended up landing in the spring of drowned goat instead, and his wonderful plan failed spectacularly.

This is not his story[**(1)**][1].

Rather, it is the story of the girl who knocked him into the spring, and some of the odd consequences of her doing so.

It is also the story of how choking on a goat bone can radically alter the course of human events.

Most of the things that happened right after the girl knocked the boy into the spring are rather tedious and boring, and have little humorous value. As such, they will be referred to in annoying flashbacks, featuring running gags that will subsequently be beaten into the ground.

So the story of this girl, the goat, and lots of annoying flashbacks begins a year later, very simply.

It begins with rain.

* * *

* * *

[**(1)**][2] Which is a good thing, since he was caught, butchered, and prepared for a feast not twenty-four hours later, which would be a rather short and gruesome tale.

* * *

* * *

Author's note:

Obviously, I've been reading too much hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. Oh well, at least I wrote something.

-MrThou 12/22/2000

Comments welcome, flames ignored. If you're going to rip apart my story, at least be constructive.

   [1]: #one
   [2]: #_one



	2. Here's Ranma

## Check Back Later

A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction

By MrThou

Disclaimer: I disclaim any ownership of the characters in this story. They were created by Rumiko Takahashi. I'm just borrowing them for a bit.

#### Chapter 1

* * *

The rain came down on Nerima. It was a perfectly ordinary rain; not particularly heavy, nor particularly light. It fell in a particularly downward direction -- as rain has a tendency to do -- and trickled through the streets to form particularly ordinary pools.

In fact the only way in which this rain was at all significant -- because, after all, it was just rain -- was in the effect it had on one Ranma Saotome, a short, busty redheaded girl who happens to be the main character of this hopefully humorous story.

Ranma Saotome, or as she preferred to be called, Ranma Joketsu[**(1)**][1]

), was, in fact, a rain goddess. It wasn't something she was consciously aware of, but it was still something she had to live with. Over the last few months, ever since a fight with a couple of Musk warriors took them too close to Jusenkyo, she had been almost constantly rained on. This was not because she called the rain. Rather, it was because the clouds themselves could sense Ranma's divinity, and followed her around worshiping her -- which, not coincidentally, involved much joyous downpour.

Over the last six months, Ranma had categorized over one hundred and ten different types of rain, and hated them all. The system covered the entire spectrum of rain: from the light, stinging sprinkle (#12, 13, & 15), to the blattering torrential downpour (#68 - 74). It included twelve varieties of drizzle (#99 - 110), fourteen different kinds of splattering (#1 - 11, 14, 16, 17; a very common rain type in mountainous China), and even the annoying, almost horizontal rains that accompany high winds, ranging from light (#64 - 66) to moderate (#83 & 84) to blindingly harsh (#92 - 98).

This particular rain was #115, a special rain that was a hybrid of types #42, 45, and 67. She was somehow certain the clouds had invented it just to celebrate her return to Japan. (As it turns out, she was right. The clouds were currently celebrating their equivalent of a homecoming, and decided to honor their deity with a freshly composed rainfall.) She especially hated all the rains above 100, since they all made seeing difficult, and seemed to be nothing more than creative variations on all the other types of precipitation she loathed.

Ranma had not seen the sun in almost a month. She was wet, cold, and without shelter. Needless to say, this made her a bit grumpy.

And so, she wandered down the street, gritting her teeth and enduring the number 115 precipitation, on her way to Furinkan High School.

And the clouds followed, weeping tears of joy and adoration on the head of their goddess[**(2)**][2].

* * *

At that particular moment, a crowd had gathered miserably in front of the steps of Furinkan. They were segregated, rather clearly, into two groups: those who were getting ready to fight, and those who were getting ready to watch the fight, but were too stupid to watch from inside the building (and out of the #115 rain).

A tall young man dressed in kendo garb was standing around, shouting orders and making threats, which the group sullenly obeyed. As the throng watched, more students filtered in, some circling the group carefully and entering the building, others stopping to swell the ranks of observers or fighters. A few of the brighter ones were holding umbrellas.

It should be pointed out that the group of fighters was completely male, although the observers were a mixed lot. This was not a coincidence.

This was the sight that greeted Ranma upon her arrival. She'd been involved in enough school brawls to see when a mob was spoiling for a fight. Granted, the situation was different, as she wasn't the object of their antagonism, but she could change that fairly easily, which would put her on more familiar ground.

She debated it for a half second, before remembering that the shortest distance between two points was a straight line. She was cold, wet, and grumpy, and if there were thirty or forty boys between her and the school doors, well...

She smirked, and whispered to herself, "Stress relief."

"Well boys," she called, dropping her bag and assuming a fighting stance, "are you gonna let me pass, or do things hafta get ugly?"

The kendoist looked her over breifly, and dismissed her. "Fear not, fair one, it is not you we are here to confront. You may go around, and we will not stop you."

Ranma's smirk transformed into a wicked grin. "Or I could just go right through you."

It was at that moment, naturally, that the mob's true target ran through the gates.

* * *

The target of the mob was a seventeen-year-old girl with long black hair, whose height was slightly greater than that of this story's protagonist, and whose bust size was slightly less. She probably would not take issue with the former. The latter, however, would likely offend her, if it were unduly flaunted[**(3)**][3]. Her name was Akane Tendo, and she was currently angry.

This was not an unusual thing for her, although she had gotten better over the last year or so. Still, everyone knew her temper, by reputation if not by experience. Over the last two weeks, her temper had regressed noticeably, for a very simple reason: The Challenge.

The Challenge was a very simple concept, presented by a very simple mind. As one Tatewaki Kuno had pompously declared, "If you can defeat Akane Tendo in combat, you may date with her. I will permit no other terms."

Sound familiar?

The Challenge was rather unoriginal. It had very little to recommend it, and much Empirical Evidence that said it was a very bad idea. Empirical Evidence, in fact, said that what is about to happen, happened repeatedly about a year ago, under much the same circumstances. Since nobody was listening to him--or for that matter--to common sense, reason, logic, or any of Evidence's other siblings, they gave up, and joined the intelligent boys and girls inside the school[**(4)**][4].

"I hate boys...Hate boys...Hate Boys...HATE BOYS!!!" And with that, she charged through the gate, tossing her umbrella to the side.

She noticed a short, redheaded girl in worn Chinese clothing jumping quickly out of her way. Akane didn't have time to worry about her, however, as she was assaulted from three sides by a hoard of boys.

She charged at the nearest group, jumping into the air and kicking out at several attackers. She landed, grabbing an outstretched arm and throwing its owner at the group closing from behind. Whirling and dodging, throwing punches and the occasional well-placed kick, she worked her way through the mob.

About half way through, she noticed she was not alone. The little redhead had joined in, and was bouncing around like a superball on speed, scattering all who approached her. There was something familiar about her style, but Akane just shrugged it off. She had more important things to deal with.

Those more important things were finished about a minute later, thus proving Empirical Evidence -- who had stopped by again briefly to gloat -- to be correct. Akane stopped to toss her long ponytail over her shoulder, then she turned and glared at the redhead.

"I didn't need your help," she said angrily.

The redhead shrugged, unperturbed, and brushed away the hair that was plastered to her face. Akane idly noticed that she wore her hair in a braided pigtail. "Nah, you didn't. But it's selfish ta hog all the fun, don't cha think?" and she winked. She toed a boy who was lying in front of her, rolling him over. "Light entertainment, though," she said deprecatingly.

It was then that the kendoist made an attempt at a dramatic entrance. The effect was completely lost, in light of his wet and bedraggled appearance. He persevered, however, in the face of such adversity, as befitted one of his station. He threw something at Akane, but the shorter girl intercepted it.

"A rose, for me?" and she fluttered her eyelids outrageously. "You shouldn't have, really. I mean, we just met."

The boy smiled at her, oblivious to the sarcasm[**(5)**][5]. "Nay, fair one, it was a gift for the lovely and fierce Akane Tendo."

Akane bristled. "Well Upperclassman, shall we get on with it? Or are you going to spout some bad poetry first?"

The redhead looked over at her and mumbled "Tendo?" Akane ignored her, and focused on the Kendoist.

"Very well, Miss Tendo. For your sake, I shall defeat you, and then you may date with me."

The redhead jumped between them. "What the hell is goin' on?" She turned to the kendoist. "What type of honorless bastard fights women so he can date 'em?."

A flash of anger crossed the boy's face, to be replaced a moment later by haughty amusement. He pointed his bokuto at her. "Know this, girl. You stand before the greatness of Tatewaki Kuno, reigning high school Tokyo Kendo champion, and the one called Blue Thunder of Furinkan High. I give you a choice. Flee, or fight." With that, he stabbed his practice sword heavenward, and lightning flashed, and thunder pealed.

From a first floor window, a girl with shoulder length brown hair poked her head out and shouted, "Hey, Kuno-chan, get a better name. What ever happened to 'Shooting Star'." And she laughed.

Kuno pretended not to hear, but the redhead didn't miss it.

She laughed. "Very well, oh mighty Blue Thunder. Look upon a master of the Jusendo school of wu-shu, sixth dan kempo, champion of the Chinese Amazons. I am Ranma Joketsu, and I give you the option. Flee, or fight."

Kuno screamed, and charged at Ranma. Her hand lashed out, deflecting the wooden practice sword. The other arm came up, and landed a punch to his sword arm and an oddly percussive blow to his chest. Ranma whirled away, and Kuno froze in place.

Everyone stared.

His sword clattered to the ground, and the crowd gasped.

With a ponderous motion, Tatewaki Kuno waved his arms and toppled over, looking for all the world like he was trying to fly. The results of his attempt were somewhat lacking, however, as he completely and utterly failed to miss the ground. He made up for it slightly by remembering to miss his consciousness.

The bell rang.

The rain continued to fall.

"SHIT!" the redhead shouted. I'm late!" With that, she picked up her bag, and ran into the building, leaving Akane and the others staring in her wake.

* * *

School had always been difficult for Ranma. This was not because she was stupid -- although certain people would argue that she was. It was, rather, because she hardly ever got to attend. It had nothing to do with martial arts, or so her father said, and so, it was therefore useless. She had gone to school only to fulfill the laws requirements that she do so.

As a result, Ranma was behind the class. Actually, that didn't even begin to cover it. Although she could read and write -- in both Japanese and Mandarin, and even a bit of English -- her grammar was sloppy, she had no concept of the sciences, and she couldn't solve anything harder than basic arithmetic and algebra.

All this was of course blamed on the Chinese school system, as Ranma's falsified records proclaimed her to be an exchange student.

She arrived late to class after filling out some paperwork at the office. The teacher stopped her droning for a moment as Ranma approached him and handed him a sheet of paper.

"Class," the homeroom teacher said, reading the slip, "we have a new student today. She's an exchange student from China, so be sure to help her if she has any questions. Now let's give her a big Nihao welcome."

Ranma was familiar with this procedure. She'd gone to many different schools while she was with her father, and every time had to go through this same dumb introduction. She decided that this time would be a bit different. She assumed an empty-headed expression.

"Nihao, I is Ranma Joketsu," she said in a stereotypical Chinese fashion. "Ranma is too too happy to be here in Japan. Is very different from Amazon village."

Someone in the back row snickered.

"Hey. You no make fun of Ranma, or else what happen outside today, happen to you." She then struck a ridiculous fighting stance, and the class burst out laughing.

Ranma dropped the Chinese accent and grinned. "Well, you should hear what a Japanese accent sounds like in Mandarin. It ain't pretty."

"Well, Miss Joketsu, thank you for that performance," the teacher said. "Now why don't you take that seat over there, by Miss Tendo."

And so class got back under way, and Ranma opened her grammar book, turned to the appropriate page, and tried to follow along in class. She failed utterly, most likely due to the fact that the teacher was teaching math.

* * *

Akane Tendo was standing in the hall, a bucket in each hand, and seething in frustration. A large part of her aggravation was standing to her left, also holding two buckets, whistling softly. That person was Ranma Joketsu.

The incident that had landed her in the hall started innocently enough. Everyone was curious about the new girl, and started to furiously pass notes to Ranma. Where did she get that ring? Was she single? Available? What about that pigtail? Was her hair naturally red, or dyed? Of course, Akane could only guess at the contents of the notes; it would have been rude to actually read them.

Akane herself was fairly curious. Where did she learn the Anything Goes style? As far as she knew, there were only two families that practiced it, and the heir to the other family's school was dead. Or so she had been told. Did this girl know Uncle Saotome? Her style seemed remarkably similar. Come to think about it, didn't Uncle have a son named Ranma? She kept glancing over at the redhead. And why was she reading her grammar book in math class?

After relaying several notes from other girls to Ranma, Akane was surprised to have one handed back. She read it to herself.

"Ranma, watch out for Akane. I think she likes you."

It would be easy to jump to the conclusion that Akane Tendo was gay, however fallacious that would be. After all, she didn't have a boyfriend. She repeatedly turned down the advances of Upperclassman Kuno, who was widely regarded as the most popular boy in school. In fact, she regularly professed her hatred of boys in general. If she didn't like boys, obviously she must like girls.

Akane Tendo, of course, loudly denounced this claim. Most people were smart enough not to say anything to her face after one boy was given a dislocated shoulder and a broken pubic arch for publicly calling her a lesbian. It didn't change many opinions, but it did quiet the gossip that reached her ears.

Obviously, though, natural selection had missed one idiot. Akane abruptly stood up and started to glow, determined to correct nature's oversight.

An eraser had hit the side of her head, and the teach cried, "Tendo! Buckets, hall. Now!"

And that was how she ended up in the hall, doing bucket duty.

Ranma joined her in the hall a few minutes later.

Akane was already feeling a bit upset, so she said the first thing that popped in her head, regardless of whether it made sense or not. Fortunately, it was at least coherent.

"This is all your fault."

"Oh, well, if you say so... It ain't important, anyway."

"Because you were... wait. What did you say?"

"It's my fault."

"Oh. Well, so long as we agree..."

Ranma started laughing.

Akane was not accustomed to being laughed at. So she said, "So tell me, why were you reading your grammar book in math class?"

Ranma looked at her with a strange expression on her face. "It wasn't grammar class?"

"No."

"You're sure?"

"Positive."

"It was math class, and not grammar class?"

"Yes." Akane was a bit annoyed. "Why do you keep asking? Are 'yes' and 'no' too difficult for you?"

"Nah, I just like bein' annoying."

"..." was the best reply Akane could come up with.

Nothing happened for a moment. Then it happened again. After the third time Ranma got annoyed and decided to stop nothing from happening again.

"So. I bet you're wonderin' where I learned Anything Goes, right?"

Akane nodded.

"Good, well, 'cause I'm wonderin' the same thing. So. You know Doctor Tofu? Good. Um. Meet me at his clinic after school, okay?"

"Why not just tell me now?"

The bell rang, and Ranma grinned. "That's why."

The door chose that moment to swing open violently. It was followed too closely by a mob of students, and decided to protect itself by rebounding off the wall and into said mob. This in turn made the wall rather upset, and it retaliated by letting go of the door frame.

The resulting collision between the door and the floor did not really upset either of them, but it did upset Ranma and Akane, as the door took a strange bounce and smacked into Ranma's bucket.

A wet Ranma just looked up at the ceiling, and said "Well, at least it can't get any worse[**(6)**][6]."

* * *

Outside, lightning lit up the sky, and thunder rumbled ominously.

* * *

A boy at the front of the mob slipped on the expanding pool of moisture and skidded right into the far wall. Another boy tried to avoid him, and succeeded, but in the process knocked over a girl, who fell backward into another.

One by one, like human dominoes, the boys and girls fell, until one managed to fall sideways and into Ranma, who fell into Akane, who dropped her buckets.

Back onto Ranma[**(7)**][7].

"... Why me?" Ranma tried to get up, and slipped, getting more soaked in the process. "Help?"

* * *

* * *

[**(1)**][8] Serious note here. Joketsu means 'courageous woman'. Zoku can mean family or tribe. So Joketsuzoku literally means courageous women tribe. Or as Viz translates it, Amazons.

[**(2)**][9] Actually, clouds express emotions in much the same way that Soun Tendo does.

[**(3)**][10] This is called foreshadowing.

[**(4)**][11] They then encountered the Principle, and promptly left the city altogether.

[**(5)**][12] Of course, most would contend that Kuno is simply oblivious, and Ranma and Akane would certainly agree.

[**(6)**][13] Well, that was a mistake.

[**(7)**][14] It is a well-known law of all Ranmaverses that water will inevitably find its way onto Ranma, regardless of form, and usually in ridiculous and ludicrous ways and quantities.

* * *

* * *

Author's notes:

Well, that concludes the first chapter of Check Back Later. If you are lost or confused, don't feel too bad. You don't know what's going on because it hasn't been explained yet.

Actually, I've been kicking this idea around for almost six months, but I could never figure out exactly how I wanted to write it. Recently, I was reading "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", and came up with the prologue. Comedy seemed to be the way to go.

If you are looking for some central plot of epic scale, you can stop now. There isn't one, and if there is, it's entirely coincidental. I reserve the right to deny or clarify the previous sentence.

Revised on 01/19/2001.

Comments welcome, flames ignored. If you're going to rip apart my story, at least be constructive.

   [1]: #one
   [2]: #two
   [3]: #three
   [4]: #four
   [5]: #five
   [6]: #six
   [7]: #seven
   [8]: #_one
   [9]: #_two
   [10]: #_three
   [11]: #_four
   [12]: #_five
   [13]: #_six
   [14]: #_seven



	3. Murphy's Law

## Check Back Later

#### A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction

By MrThou

Disclaimer: All these characters are the figment of Rumiko Takahashi's imagination. Not mine. Any resemblance of these characters to real people is a figment of the reader's imagination. Thinking that people actually read disclaimers is a figment of my imagination.

About the footnotes: At times you may see a number after a word or sentence. Click on the number to read the footnote[**(0)**][1].

#### Chapter 2

* * *

Murphy's law states: "Anything that can go wrong, will, and at the worst possible time."

It's not the type of law one can prove scientifically, rather, it is the type of thing one simply _knows_, like the fact that no matter how many Mondays one lives through, they will all mostly be bad, or the fact that no matter how many times you send that fruitcake as a Christmas gift, it will always be returned to you the next year[**(1)**][2].

That being said, Murphy's Law has several corollaries, which also cannot be proven. The one we are looking at right now is this: "Saying that things can't get any worse invariably means that they will." This is often known as 'tempting fate', and it is a very dangerous pastime.

A similar (but opposite) corollary is: "Saying that things are going to get worse makes them get worse." The upshot of all this is that whether or not you believe something will get worse, it will get worse. Thus is Murphy's Law upheld.

While Murphy's Law is not true in the strictest sense -- just because spontaneous combustion would be a particularly wrong thing (at least in this not-so-humble writer's opinion, but I digress...) doesn't make it likely to happen -- , it is nonetheless a very good guideline for planning one's day.

For example, knowing that things will go wrong, and therefore that one's day will continue to get worse, one can take certain steps to make sure that the day starts off very well, before Murphy's law has had its morning cup of coffee.

Ranma did not know what Murphy's Law was. Nor did she know what a corollary was. She did feel the effects most keenly, however. Particularly today, a Monday, and her first day at Furinkan High School.

After all, ignorance before the law is no excuse.

* * *

One would be tempted to say that things could not get any worse for Ranma Jokestu[**(2)**][3]. 

The day had started off badly; she'd woken up late and didn't have time to take a shower or go through her morning stretches. Then she had forgotten her umbrella. When she arrived at school, she got into a fight and pulled several muscles because she was not properly warmed up. Then class had started.

It wasn't her fault that she ended up in the hall. She was sitting innocently in class, reading her textbook and trying to figure out what exactly a present participle had to do with the Law of Cosines, and receiving a copious amount of notes in the process, when the girl beside her, Akane Tendo, had suddenly slammed her book against her desk and stood up. She had been sent to the hall, of course, but had also drawn attention toward Ranma -- and her handful of notes.

And then that whole thing with the water after the bell rang. What was with that? Was there some kami of water out to get her?

So now here she was, sitting in the nurse's office with Akane and some boy named Hiroshi -- the one who had slipped and smashed into the wall -- waiting to have a minor bruise examined, and wondering how things could get any worse, since obviously -- the way this day had been going -- they were.

If there was a silver lining to this particularly soggy and dismal storm cloud[**(3)**][4], it was that she didn't have to sit through second period.

"Well, that was exciting." Ranma commented.

Her attempt to engage in conversation was ignored by Akane, the other person in the room currently capable of speech.

There is nothing quite so awkward as trying to start a conversation with someone who is deliberately ignoring you, or at least not listening. Actually, there are a good number of things that are more awkward, most of which involve a boy and a girl, and another boy or girl coming in who happens to like one of the other two. Still this was a very awkward situation.

Ranma was very familiar with awkward situations, but not this one in particular. So she did the only thing she could think of: treat it like a familiar awkward situation.

* * *

When Ranma was fourteen, her father had decided that training at the zoo with all the dangerous animals would be a good way to sharpen their skills. It seemed like a reasonably good idea at first, as long as they avoided the felines. However, like most ideas that are conceived when one is totally smashed, it really wasn't.

At some point during the fight, Genma Saotome had led them to the primate exhibit, and after getting in a good strike to the head, ripped the pants off his child, leaving Ranma half-naked and slightly concussed in the monkey pen. What this was supposed to accomplish, Ranma still wasn't quite sure.

So Ranma did the only thing that seemed reasonable: dance around, throw things, and act like a monkey.

Why Ranma chose to imitate this particular awkward situation remains a mystery.

* * *

One may argue with Ranma's methods, but they could not argue with her results. It only took two balls of crumpled-up notes to get Akane's full attention.

"What are you doing?!" she shouted. "It's bad enough that you got my uniform all wet. Now you start throwing things at me?!"

Ranma stopped dancing. "Just tryin' ta get your attention. Geez, don't blow a gasket."

"Well if you hadn't..."

"Look, just 'cause I happen ta be new here, doesn't mean you can blame me. I didn't get your uniform wet." Ranma, too, was a bit irritated. "If you wanna blame someone, blame the kids who broke the door. Besides, who dropped the buckets on who?"

That stopped Akane short. "... Just forget it..."

Ranma smiled slightly. "Now you've got it. Water under the bridge, and all that. Can't do nothin' about it, so don't worry about it."

It was then that Akane made an observation she would make many times over the coming months. "You're really weird, you know that?"

That set the shorter girl to laughing. "You don't know the half of it!"

Akane giggled in spite of herself. Ranma was just too difficult to stay mad at.

"Anyway, maybe you can help me. I been following the trail of two people. I think I've found one, but I'm still looking for my, uh... former master, I guess. It looks like you studied with him, if I saw correctly. Do you know a Genma Saotome?"

"What do you want with Uncle Saotome?" Akane asked suspiciously. "If he ripped you off, we're not paying for it."

"I take it the old man's left the vicinity, then?"

"He ran away months ago. I don't know where he went."

"Well, it's a start," Ranma said, and shrugged. "Got something more important ta take care of, anyway."

"Now why don't you answer my question?" Akane asked. "What do you want with him?"

Ranma leaned forward, and whispered, "That..."

Akane leaned forward, straining to hear. "That?"

"... is a secret!"[**(4)**][5]

Akane fumed.

"Damn! I've always wanted to say that," Ranma laughed. "No, seriously, like I said in the hall. Come by the clinic after school. I'll have ta show you some things before I can tell you some things, if you get what I mean."

Akane didn't, but let it drop, since the nurse chose that moment to enter.

* * *

The two periods after the incident with the water buckets were pretty bad, and lunchtime was a complete disaster. After that, Ranma's day went into a bit of a decline, and she decided it was worth detention just to sleep through the rest of the school day. In defiance of the spirit of Mondays, and this Monday in particular, however, no one noticed her snoring, and she got off without further incident.

It was still raining when she left for the clinic. Then, just for a change, it stopped raining and started to blatter instead.

* * *

* * *

[**(0)**][6] This is an example footnote. Click on the number to the left to return.

[**(1)**][7] Fruitcake return has been widely regarded as one of the best hopes for perpetual motion, second only to the bad penny. It is such a well documented phenomenon that the only reason the world isn't powered by the perpetual movement of fruitcakes is that occasionally one actually gets eaten, or--more commonly-- gets lost in transit.

[**(2)**][8] See the previous section on Murphy's Law.

[**(3)**][9] For reasons unknown to Ranma, but known to the reader, she had begun to think in meteorological metaphors.

[**(4)**][10] Ranma is a closet Xellos fan.

[**(5)**][11] This is a joke.

* * *

* * *

Author's notes:

I've decided not to worry a whole lot about chapter length. So this chapter is a little shorter than the last one, and the next will probably be a good deal longer, unless I decide to split it up.

So, what's with the monkeys, you may be wondering. To be perfectly honest, I don't know. It just seemed funny when I wrote it, and three of my four prereaders thought it was funny, so I decided to leave it in.

Next chapter, Ranma reveals the curse of Jusenkyou to Akane, she calls him a pervert, and... wait. I'm giving away too much.

If you notice any serious grammatical or spelling errors, or see something that, no matter how you turn it, refuses to make the slightest bit of sense, please email me.

Comments welcome, flames forwarded to the nearest terrorist organization[**(5)**][12]. If you're going to rip apart my story, at least be constructive.

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	4. OOM Experiences

## Check Back Later

#### A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction

by MrThou

Disclaimer: I refuse to disclaim that I do not own any of these characters. Rather, I remain firm in my disbelief that Rumiko Takahashi didn't create them.

Disclaimer (Serious): This story is based on characters created by Rumiko Takahashi.

About the footnotes: At times you may see a number after a word or sentence. Click on the number to read the footnote[**(0)**][1].

#### Chapter 3

* * *

There is a relatively common state of being--or unbeing, depending on how you look at it--in which one steps outside of one's body, and sees it from above, or the side, or some other direction that you wouldn't normally see your own body from.

For reasons that should be fairly obvious, this is called an out-of-body experience. It was also _not_ the condition Dr. Tofu Ono currently suffered from.

Right now, he was dancing around his clinic, a model skeleton he liked to call Betty clutched in his arms, humming a happy little tune and breaking things left and right.

Out-of-body experiences are sometimes called Near-Death experiences, because they are often associated with patients who nearly die[**(1)**][2]. Again, this was not what Dr. Tofu was currently suffering from. It was, however, what his patients feared _they_ would suffer from whenever he was in this not-out-of-body condition.

Ranma and Akane entered the clinic, not knowing that Dr Tofu was suffering from this not-out-of-body experience. Ranma quickly exited the clinic, after a desk lamp, propelled by a wildly swinging skeleton, struck her full in the face.

Akane decided it might be wise to do the same, minus the light fixture.

Outside, Ranma started to swear. Akane ignored it, however, since she was doing it in Mandarin. She cast a glance back through the door at Tofu, who was now ineffectively trying to disco with Betty. Apparently it was difficult to disco when your partner kept falling over.

"I think my sister Kasumi was just here." Akane said.

"Tall girl, brown hair?"

Akane nodded, then sighed. "Yes. Dr. Tofu always does this after she visits."

"I hadn't noticed." Ranma rubbed the lamp-shaped mark on her face. "Didja notice anything layin' around that she might've just given him? You know, a book, or some cookies, or something?"

"Umm... I think I saw a plate of cookies on his desk. Why?"

"I met another guy with this problem once. To get him back ta normal, we hafta find his mind."

"... What?" Akane was confused. How could you find a mind?

"Are you deaf or something?" Akane frowned indignantly, and shook her head. "Look, you've heard of out-of-body experiences, right?"

Akane shook her head again, but Ranma continued regardless.

"Well, this is kinda like that, only in reverse. He's having an out-of-mind experience. So we gotta find his mind and stuff it back in."

"You're really weird, you know that?" Akane said, not for the last time.

Ranma gave a rather exasperated sigh. "Look, just follow my lead, okay."

Without further word, Ranma ran back into the clinic. Two seconds later, Akane followed.

* * *

The first sight that greeted Akane Tendo upon her entrance into the clinic was that of Dr. Tofu trying to the Cha-cha. The second, more relevant sight was that of Ranma talking to a plate of cookies.

"You've got to get a grip on yourself," the redhead said to the cookies.

The plate of cookies, being a plate of cookies, said nothing.

The inaction of the plate of cookies was ignored by Ranma, who continued her lecture. "I mean, sure, she's pretty an' all, but still, she's only a girl. She ain't gonna grow fangs and bite your head off. You shouldn't be so afraid of her." Ranma ducked quickly as Dr. Tofu danced around and kicked a stapler off the counter.

"Look, after I fix you up, I want you ta pick up that telephone and call her. Thank her for the cookies. Try ta hold a conversation. You're never gonna get over this if you can't talk to her."

The plate of cookies remained silent. Ranma dodged the skeleton's feet as it was swung around by the doctor.

"Glad we had this chat, Doc." And with that, the girl stepped up to the dancing doctor, and smashed the plate of cookies into his face. He collapsed to the floor. Ranma knelt down to check on him.

Akane watched with a concerned expression. "Do you think that might have been a little bit... harsh?"

"Nah, I didn't hit him that hard. Besides, he'll thank me for it in a minute."

The doctor sat up. "Thank you, Ranma."

Ranma glanced at Akane, and gave her a look which was meant to say 'Why does everyone always question me?', but was instead interpreted as 'I told you so'. This misinterpretation, while accurate enough, pushed up Akane's irritation level, which was already quite high because she had been having a very bad day.

Tofu removed his glasses, and polished them with his shirt. "So, Ranma, what can I do for you?"

"Well, actually, Doc, I'm hopin' you can help me explain some things to Akane, here."

Tofu replaced his glasses. "I assume you mean your... condition?"

Ranma stood up. "Yeah. Um... I guess I'll go start the kettle." And with that, she left for the small kitchen at the back of the clinic.

As soon as the redhead had departed, Akane asked the foremost question on her mind. "What was she talking about?"

"I think it would be best if we wait for her to return before we discuss her... problem."

"That's not what I'm talking about," Akane said. "Why was she talking to the cookies? It sounded like she was talking to you."

Dr. Tofu looked slightly embarrassed.

"She was," he said after a moment. Seeing Akane's confusion, he elaborated. "She was talking to me. My mind was... attached, you could say, to them. It's a sort of out of body experience, but in reverse. Instead of my mind leaving my body and wandering around, my body leaves my mind. Or at least, that's how it was explained to me."

"So when Ranma hit you with the plate..."

"She was putting my mind back into my body, yes." Tofu looked toward the kitchen door. "Ranma's apparently seen the condition before. She calls it an out-of-mind experience, but I don't really like that term. It's like saying I'm insane."

"But aren't we all, just a bit, Doc?" Ranma commented as she entered the room, balancing a tea kettle on her head, with a simple tea set in her arms.

Akane boggled. The weirdness of the day was starting to take its toll.

"Doesn't that hurt?" she asked.

Ranma raised an eyebrow, and Akane pointed to the kettle atop her head.

"Y'know, I never thought about that." Ranma said. "Now that you mention it, though, it does seem ta tickle a bit."

Akane watched as Ranma expertly twirled the tea tray on a finger, setting gently on the desk, and reached up to take down the kettle. However, her efforts proved to be none too successful, as she missed the handle completely, burning her hand. She screamed, jerking her hand away and flinching, which in turn unsettled the previously settled kettle, spilling the contents all over her, and changing her to him.

The girl-turned-boy grimaced in pain, and bowed his head.

"Um... my real name is Ranma Saotome... and I'm looking for my father. Sorry 'bout this..."

Out-of-mind experiences, despite the similar name, are not really very much like out-of-body experiences at all. For example, out of mind experiences have zero correlation to near-death, and out-of-body experiences have no correlation to being given a plate of cookies[**(2)**][3]. Also, whereas out-of-body experiences tend to happen only once to any given person, out-of-mind experiences tend to happen repeatedly.

Akane Tendo almost chose that moment to have her first, but thought better of it at the last second, and decided to simply pass out instead.

* * *

The first thing Akane saw when she came to was the face of Dr. Tofu.

"I think she's coming around," he said. "I'll leave you alone now, if you like."

"Yeah, go ahead, Doc." Another male voice. Not Dr. Tofu's, so it must be Ranma.

She tried to sit up, but a gentle hand held her down.

"Don't try ta get up yet," he said. "If you try ta get up right away, you'll just fall back over again."

Akane started to reorganize her thoughts. She tried to speak. "I like cats." No, that wasn't the right one. She tried again. "What happened?" Good. That's what she meant to say the first time.

"You passed out," Ranma said. "Geez, what's with that? You've seen my Pop change inta a panda, haven't you? 'Course, you probably fainted then, too."

How dare he! She didn't have to stand for that! Another part of her mind dryly pointed out that she wasn't standing. She was flat on her back.

_Oh, shut up! He's being a jerk._

Yes, but it's not that big a deal. Besides, he's a hunk.

_So what? He's a boy._

Well, he makes a rather cute girl.

_Shut up! I'm not like that!_

Then why are you thinking about it?

_But he saw me naked in the locker room!_

Oh, so you do like men.

_What do you mean by that?_

Well, obviously, if he saw you naked, it's only fair that you see him naked. My, Akane, you're such a naughty girl.

_Why, you!_

"Whoa, Akane, no need ta hit yourself," she heard Ranma say. "You're not dreamin' or nothing. Doc, help me out here."

Meanwhile, Akane's mind had reached a compromise.

_Alright, I get to hit him and call him a pervert for peeping..._

Right. But you have to explain why you hit him. And you can't hit him for being a jerk, unless he really insults you.

_Okay, we've agreed, then._ Akane struggled against Ranma, and threw off his arms. She sat up.

*Slap* "You pervert!" she shouted.

Ranma stood back and rubbed his cheek. "Geez, what was that for?"

"You saw me naked in the locker room, you pervert!" Perfect logic.

"You saw me, too," Ranma said defensively. "I wasn't ogling you, or nothing."

"But you were a girl. I've seen lots of naked girls."

"So have I."

"Ha! I was right!" Akane felt rather smug. Clearly, she'd one this arguement.

Ranma looked thoughtful for a moment, then smirked. It was a very wicked smirk. "Oh, I get it. You're just upset 'cause you didn't see my guy side naked. Turnabout's fair play, an' all that."

"What! How dare you!" She raised her hand to strike him. In the back of her mind, Akane heard a soft I told you so!

Ranma caught her arm. "Are you always this angry?" he asked. "You should learn ta laugh at life, and laugh at yourself. It's the most important lesson I've learned in the past year."

Akane jerked her arm free, and lay back down. "What happened?"

"Hmm... that's a long story, an' I don't want ta tell you just yet." He looked sadly at her for a moment. Then his expression brightened. "But look at me. I coulda either hated this curse, or learn ta live with it, and laugh at it. I chose to laugh, and I don't regret it."

"How did it feel? To change?" Akane asked. "You don't seem to hate it."

"I did at first." Ranma chuckled. "But that got kinda beaten outta me. So, how about this. I'll tell you how I got the curse, and then, we go talk ta your father, and see what he has ta say about mine."

"That sounds alright."

"Good. So, where ta begin. It all started a little over year ago..."

* * *

* * *

[**(0)**][4] This is an example footnote. Click on the number to the left to return.

[**(1)**][5] These experiences are a little different, however, as they usually involve dramatic music and an eerie voice telling one to 'head toward the light'.

[**(2)**][6] There are a few incidents which suggests at a correlation between OOB experiences and a plate of cookies, which is somewhat disputed. One such incident involved Kasumi Tendo bringing over some freshly baked cookies to say thank you to a neighbor while Dr. Tofu happened to be making a house call. This was also a near death experience, however, which leads some experts to discount it. Akane's cookies don't count, for much the same reason.

* * *

* * *

Author's notes:

Well, that took a bit longer than I had hoped. Also, it only got beta-read by one person, so it may be a bit rough. It also didn't seem quite as funny to me, personally, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless.

I need some suggestions for an upcoming part. What I want is a humorous curse for Ryouga (note: no crossovers, please. Although I might consider cabbits...). It doesn't have to be serious; after all, Pantyhose Tarou fell in the spring of drowned Yeti-riding-a-bull-while-carrying-a-crane-and-an-eel. Try to keep it somewhat reasonable in size, though. I don't want him knocking over buildings every time someone spills water on him. Also, the creature must be able to breath air for an extended period of time, so no spring of drowned salmon, or anything like that.

In the next episode, the first annoying flashback! And Ranma meets the rest of the Tendos. What will Soun say? All this and more on the next installment of "Check Back Later".

If you notice any serious grammatical or spelling errors, or see something that, no matter how you turn it, refuses to make the slightest bit of sense, please email me.

Comments welcome, flames ignored. If you're going to rip apart my story, at least be constructive. Send more extensive comments and Ryouga's curse suggestions to [mrthou@juno.com][7]. 

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	5. Memories...

## Check Back Later 

#### A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic

by MrThou

Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 was created by Rumiko Takahashi, but is owned by someone else. Doesn't that suck?

#### Chapter 4 

* * *

* * *

The subject of curses comes up in a wide variety of literature. For example, 'SAM's Teach Yourself Magic' series[**(1)**][1] touches briefly on it in the latter segments, as does 'Magic for Dummies'. Using these books, however, won't even get you past making the spot under one's left big toenail itch.

The definitive work on the subject, 'Dr. Bob's Guide to Curses, Hexes, and Spells', contains detailed instructions on the preparation and cures for over 200 curses, but only if you can read Sanskrit, and have more than five years experience in spell-casting. Obviously, not much help for this tale.

Most people, however, are not interested in casting curses, but rather avoiding them, and identifying the ones they might have picked up along the way. For those people, there is 'The International Field Guide to Magic'.

'The International Field Guide to Magic' contains a geographical reference to all forms of enchantments that a body might encounter in hitchhiking around this wonderful sphere we call earth. Each region is further broken down into magical categories, clearly distinguishing between curses, hexes, enchantments, etc. There is also an alphabetical index of symptoms, so that you can easily flip to the section on North American curses and determine whether that unwholesome desire to eat fruitcake is a curse, or simply a sign of oncoming dementia.

The Guide describes in detail 42 different kinds of magical conditions one can acquire while traveling through the remote regions of China. Further, it lists more than 200 other conditions one may acquire, grouped by symptoms, and rated on a scale of 1 (no danger whatsoever) to 10 (May whatever god you believe in have mercy on your soul), all based on painstaking and thorough research**[(2)][2]**.

Jusenkyou curses achieve a 2, which is roughly interpreted as "mostly harmless".

Clearly, the author goofed.

* * *

Ranma sat back in his chair, and stared at nothing in particular.

"If Pop were here, I know exactly how he'd start." He reached for a nearby glass of cold water[**(3)**][3], and dumped it over his head. "He'd a done something like that, o' course."

Akane boggled slightly. Sure, she'd seen Uncle Saotome change a few times, but he always went out of his way to stay out of sight. He seemed afraid of his curse, or maybe ashamed. To see someone so casually transform from one gender to the other, right in front of her, was a bit disturbing.

"An' then I'd probably do the same thing ta him, and we'd fight for a bit. An' then about fifteen minutes later, after some hot water, we'd finally get ta the point.

"Fortunately, he ain't here, so it ain't gonna take fifteen minutes." Ranma shifted her gaze to Akane, and smirked. "'Course, I could just ramble like this for awhile, but I'm not gonna do that."

"A little late for that," Akane muttered. "Get on with it."

"Hey, I don't have ta tell you if I don't want, you know."

"Alright, fine. I'm sorry," Akane said without really meaning it. "Go ahead."

Ranma stared directly into Akane's eyes. She found the experience to be rather unnerving, as if the red-head were sifting through her mind, searching for her deepest memories and darkest secrets. Akane was beginning to regret her impatience. After a long moment, Ranma spoke.

"Well, as long as you're sorry."

For the next fifteen minutes, Ranma explained the trip to Jusenkyou, and all about how the curses worked.

"But if you knew it was a cursed training ground, why did you go?" Akane asked. It seemed like a pretty stupid thing to do, to her.

"Oh, that? Well, see, we had this book." Ranma pulled a largish book, about 8 by 10 by an inch, out of nowhere[**(4)**][4], and presented it to her with a wrist flourish.

"The International Field Guide to Magic," Akane read the title. "What is this?"

"This is the single most useful book a traveling martial artist could have," Ranma said. "It documents all sorts of curses an' magical phenome... phemeno... what's the word?"

"Phenomenon?"

"Yeah, those. So, o' course we weren't worried. Turn ta page 296."

Akane flipped the pages and read. "'An alphabetical listing of rare magic conditions found in Remote China...'" Ranma pointed to a spot near the bottom. "'Jusenkyou - water curse, danger level: 2.' Level Two?"

"Yeah, the number after one," Ranma said, as if explaining to a kindergartner. "On a scale of one ta ten, one is mildly annoying, an' ten is get your affairs in order, 'cause you have less than one day left ta live. Or maybe worse."

"You call your curse a two?" Akane asked incredulously. "What if you had turned into a fish, or something like that? Would it still be a two?"

Ranma paled for a moment. "Ya know, I never thought of that. That would be bad. But then, like I said, the Guide said two, an' Pops an' I had already picked up a few curses, up ta level 4, so he wasn't worried. An' it wasn't his fault the Guide was wrong. 'Course, at the time, I wouldn't've listened to his excuses."

"You have more curses?" Akane nearly shouted. "I'm beginning to seriously dislike Uncle Saotome."

"Join the club," Ranma chuckled. "An' of course, I didn't find out about the Guide 'til Pops ditched me an' left his pack behind."

Akane looked down at the book in her hands, and turned to the back cover. She looked very carefully at the fine print, below the big, friendly letters proclaiming the guide to be the single most useful book for traveling martial artists**[(5)][5]**.

"The International Magic Group makes no guarantee about the accuracy of the information presented in this volume," Akane read. "Use at your own risk."

"Yeah, I saw that too, but it's just there for legal reasons," Ranma remarked. "The scientific community doesn't really like the magic community, for some reason, so they added that ta prevent from bein' sued."

For the third time that day, Akane could only respond with "..."

"Anyway, we asked about a cure, but the guide said there was none. Turns out he was lyin', or maybe just mistaken, but by the time I found out, I stopped caring.

"I... see," said Akane in a tone that made it perfectly clear she didn't.

"Said the blind man," Ranma quipped.

"Are you laughing at me?" demanded Akane.

"Hmm... Don't think so. That'd sound a bit different. More like... this: Ha ha!**[(6)][6]**"

"Ha! I was right! You are a jerk!" Akane accused.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but..." Akane rolled off the couch and threw a punch at the redhead. Ranma fell backward out of her chair, and rolled to her feet. "... Hey, relax! I'm just teasin' ya!"

"You jerk! First you spy on me in the locker room, now you insult me!" She threw another punch, which Ranma caught.

"Jeez, you need ta loosen up a bit." Ranma spun her around and pinned Akane's arms behind her back. "Didn't my old man teach you anything? Never fight angry!"

Akane struggled for a moment, then stopped when it became obvious she couldn't break free. "Let go of me."

"Only if you promise not ta attack me."

"Fine." Ranma released her hold, and stepped back. "Now what?"

"Now... you finish your half of the bargain," Ranma said. "My story, in exchange for a trip ta your dojo, so I can talk ta your father. So, lead the way."

Akane hmphed, and stormed out the door. Ranma scooped up Akane's backpack and umbrella and stood at the door.

Five seconds later, Akane stormed back, snatched the umbrella, and went back out. This time Ranma followed.

* * *

It was still raining when they arrived at the dojo. Akane had cooled off a bit, finding that it took too much effort to stay angry over minor slights. Especially when the target of her wrath looked so wet and miserable. She had relented, and shared the umbrella.

As they passed through the gate, they heard the sound of shouting emanating from the dojo. Not the sound of students practicing the art, but rather the sound of several people chasing another, and being tossed around like leaves in the wind. Very heavy leaves.

Akane ignored it, apparently well acquainted with the noise. Ranma thought it sounded familiar, though...

"Sweeto!"

"Oh no, not _him_!" Ranma moaned. "I'm not ready to deal with him, yet."

Akane stopped and looked at her, startled. "You know the Master?"

"Master, my ass," she spat. "That little freak isn't worthy of the title."

A figure came flying from the dojo, and latched on to Ranma's chest. Ranma grabbed the creature's scalp, and smiled wickedly. Her battle aura started to flare. "Hello, Happi. Remember me?"

Happosai looked up, and smiled uneasily. "Hello, Ranma, girl! How's Cologne doing?"

Ranma pried the aged pervert off her chest, and threw him at the nearby koi pond. "Oh, she's quite well, thanks," Ranma said. Happosai flipped, and landed lightly on a rock. He pulled out his pipe.

Ranma pulled out a staff from nowhere. She knew she was good. Training under Elder Cologne and a handful of others, there was very little she couldn't handle, very few people she knew who she couldn't defeat. One of those few stood on the rock a few feet away, casually smoking a pipe. She needed all the advantages she could get; hopefully the staff would be enough of one.

However, Happosai was, as they say, only human -- which is to say that he was a carbon based life form thought to be descended from apes**[(7)][7]**. Ranma, though she didn't know it, was not**[(8)][8]**.

"Why can't you just let an old man have his fun?" whined the Master of Anything Goes. He blew out a complex array of smoke rings in the process.

"Fun. I don't object ta you having fun, Gramps, but I do object ta bein' groped."

"But I don't mean any harm!" He looked at everyone with giant Bambi-eyes. Ranma snorted her disbelief. "No, really. I don't want to hurt anyone. All I want to do is liberate my silky darlings." Puff. Another series of smoke rings.

"Don't give me that, old man! You don't care a lick about what happens to no one but yourself."

"Now Ranma, how could you say that? I'd never hurt my favorite student on purpose."

"Yeah, right," Akane muttered under her breath.

Happosai heard her, and held up his pipe in pledge. "No, honestly. May lightning strike me if I'm lying."

It has been mentioned before that Ranma is a rain goddess. That is not entirely correct. Rather, Ranma is a goddess of bad weather. The clouds will gleefully pour down rain, as well as sleet, snow, hail, thunder, lightning, and all manner of other stormy functions.

Ranma felt a boiling rage overtake her when she heard those words, and wanted nothing more than for God to prove that the old freak was, in fact, lying.

Ranma, at this time, had no clue of her own divinity. It came as a great shock, therefore, when Happosai was immediately struck by lightning.

Happosai's last comment before falling unconscious was, "Owie."

* * *

"... An' anyway, that's how I obtained my curse. I'm sure my father told you somethin' similar."

The five of them were gathered around a short table, the three Tendo sisters on one side, Ranma (currently male) opposite them, and Soun sitting at the head. "Yes, Saotome did mention some of this," the Tendo patriarch said, "although he neglected to mention _your_ curse. He merely said that you were dead."

"Pops abandoned me!" Ranma spat angrily. "The old fart up and left me as soon as I started chokin'."

"What do you mean, choking?" asked Nabiki, the middle Tendo sister.

"I mean, we was tryin' to escape from a village of Amazons, and he ran away while I was chokin' on a goat bone."

* * *

Ranma was used to it by now, so he ignored the guide's random chatterings and complained, "I'm starving." Genma, being a panda at the time, couldn't tell Ranma to take it like a man, and so he was taking full advantage of the situation.

"Mr. Customers, this is village of Amazons," said the Jusenkyou guide. He said it in the same tone he said everything, like "That is a frog," or "this pig seem to have wings... Not know we have spring of drowned flying pig," or even "very tragic story of young girl who fall in spring, 1500 year ago."

That caught Ranma's interest. Villages meant people. People meant that there had to be food to feed those people.

"Amazon village? Howzat?" Ranma asked. Genma, predictably, said nothing.

"This village women very strong!" The guide pointed over to a largish cluster of people gathered around a log suspended a few feet off the ground. "They show their skill, now."

"Is very lucky we see annual tournament," the guide droned. "These warriors some of best in world."

His customers weren't listening. Their attention was currently occupied by the large table about ten feet away, heaped with piles of food. They dropped their packs and ran over to the table. The guide followed, not really paying attention.

On the log, a young purple-haired woman with overly colorful maces was battling a rather ape-like woman with a spiked stick. Ranma and his father were too busy fighting over the food to notice.

It has often been observed that most males have a one track mind. That is not entirely correct; most men do have more than one track, it is simply that only one track works at full power at any given time.

Currently, Ranma was female, so the above didn't apply. She wasn't aware of that, however, and as such, was currently devoting all of her brain-power to a single thought.

"Foooood," Ranma mumbled reverently. She reached for a watermelon. A large panda paw deflected her hands away. "Dammit, Pops, that was mine!"

The panda ignored her. She reached for some roast goat**[(9)][9]** instead.

"Is very big honor to win tournament," the guide said. Just then, the purple-haired girl pushed a mace through her opponent's defenses, and sent her flying into the air. There was a lot of cheering, and the girl jumped down.

"She's got some serious power," said Ranma through a mouthful of food. She spit out a few bones.

* * *

"So, anyway, we were eatin' the first prize for the tournament. An' of course, the champion, Shampoo, was pissed off about that." Ranma looked at his audience. "So, I had ta fight her for the prize.

* * *

With a simple kick, the champion was sent flying from the log. Then Physics**[(10)][10]** reasserted itself, and she dramatically fell to the ground.

Ranma jumped down, and allowed the judge to nervously declare her the winner. Then she raced back to the table, and picked up another piece of roast goat.

* * *

"So you steal the champion's food, beat her up, and then go back to eating?" asked Nabiki incredulously.

"Umm... yeah, that's pretty much it. We were fighting over the food, after all."

The Tendo sisters groaned.

"What?" Ranma demanded. "Do you want me ta finish this story, or not?"

* * *

Hmm... that goat tasted a bit funny. Oh well. Watermelon. Lots of watermelon. And are those pot stickers? Damn, no soy sauce. More goat...

Ranma's internal musings were interrupted by a kiss on the cheek. She coughed, looked at Shampoo, and coughed again. Then she started choking.

"Oh, no, sir, this very bad!" The guide tugged on Ranma's arm. "You just receive kiss of death!"

Ranma would have asked what that meant, but she was too busy turning blue.

"We must run!" And the guide suited actions to words.

A large, furry paw grabbed Ranma's arm, and started dragging her away from the village. And that was the last Ranma remembered before she passed out from lack of oxygen.

* * *

"An' when I woke up, I found out that Pops had dropped me while they were chasin' us. So I ended up bein' a prisoner for a while." Ranma paused for a moment, then growled, "That fat panda has a lot ta answer for..."

"Hmm... well, your problem doesn't seem so bad after all..." remarked Soun, as he patted Ranma on the back.

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Well then, these are my daughters: Kasumi, age 20, Nabiki, 18, and Akane, 17. Choose any one you like; she'll be your fiancee."

A low pressure system spontaneously generated itself inside the house, and wind blew through the room. Four sets of eyes glared at Soun Tendo. Four voices chorused, "What!?"

"Saotome and I made a promise many years ago to join our families to secure the School of Anything Goes..." Soun continued, unperturbed. "Honor demands that you go through with it."

"Oh, he definitely wants Akane," Kasumi said after a moment.

"I couldn't agree more," Nabiki chimed in.

"What! Don't I get any say in this?" shouted Akane.

The response was a unanimous and emphatic "No."

Akane jumped to her feet. "I refuse to be engaged to that pervert!"

Ranma smirked. The smirk expanded into a grin. Akane turned to say something rude, and stopped short. The pigtailed boy's grin gave the unnerving impression that he was about to go for the neck, and his left eyebrow was busily conducting the 1812 Overture.

"... Never mind," she said instead, and sat down.

"Well, then, it's settled," Kasumi announced. "Akane, I'm so proud of you. You finally have a boyfriend."

"He's not my boyfriend!"

"Girlfriend, then," Nabiki interjected. "My Akane, I didn't know you were like that."

Akane glared at her sisters, then jumped up and stomped up the stairs. A few seconds later, a door slammed, altering the low pressure system, and causing another wind to blow through the house.

"Nabiki, you shouldn't say things like that," Kasumi said.

Nabiki shrugged, "Well, it's not my fault she's so easy to tease."

"No offense, Mr. Tendo," Ranma said sarcastically, "but just what are you smoking?"

Mr. Tendo blinked, and answered, "Well, I had a Cuban cigar after we mailed the Master overnight to Tibet..."

* * *

Somewhere in an airplane cargo hold, a package sneezed.

* * *

**[(1)][11]** Only available in 24 hour and 21 day editions. Even they are smart enough to realize that you can't possibly learn magic in 10 minutes.

**[(2)][12]** *cough*bullshit*cough*cough*

**[(3)][13]** Law of the Ranmaverses. Cold water can appear spontaneously at any time. It's the hot water that can't be found.

**[(4)][14]** Law of the Aniverses. Females can pull objects from a pocket dimension called "hammer space" -- so called because the most common object to be pulled is a large, male-bashing mallet. There is no know restriction, although in some universes the weight of a single object may not be greater than the weight of the girl. Sometimes this law is not restricted to females.

**[(5)][15]** And door-to-door salesman, and international criminal, and field research scientist...

**[(6)][16]** Think "The Simpsons".

**[(7)][17]** Actually, all humans are descended from a flying pig that temporarily fell through a time warp to a time about a million years ago. Thus is the adage upheld: All men are pigs.

**[(8)][18]** Chronological footnote: Ranma first obtained the girl curse, then Happosai showed up. Later, Ranma obtained the Rain-goddess curse, but didn't know it, because it didn't seem any different from the girl curse.

**[(9)][19]** This is not his story... (reread the prologue if you don't get it)

**[(10)][20]** The anime laws of physics state that gravity is reduced to 1/4th for martial artists, except when falling or being thrown, in which case it is increased 4 times. This is an exception to the rule. All championship losses must be done at 1/4th gravity, to make things suitably dramatic.

* * *

* * *

Author's Notes:

By popular demand: an imitation Guide! Oh well, it'll allow me to make strange and humorous references in each chapter. It won't become central to the plot, however.

No more suggestions for Ryouga's curse, please. I've chosen one that seems to fit the best. What is it? Keep reading, and you'll find out. I'll probably be dropping occasional hints in the story, however.

So what does this mean? Every time Ryouga changes to his cursed form, improbable things start to happen. Very improbable things.

Next chapter, we meet a person who has more control over the clouds than Ranma does. And Akane starts her training. All this and (maybe) more on the next episode of 'Check Back Later'!

Comments welcome, flames ignored. Any suggestions to help improve the story or the writing style would be greatly appreciated.

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	6. An Interlude [11/07/2001]

Check Back Later A Ranma 1 

Check Back Later  
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction  
  
by mrthou  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma 1/2. If I did, I'd be rich, or at least a good deal wealthier than I currently am. Oh, well.  
  
Chapter 5:  


* * *

* * *

  
  
Strangely enough, the 'International Field Guide to Magic' has something to say on the subject of arranged marriages. Not that what it has to say is strange, but rather, it is strange that the Guide has something to say on the subject at all. This is what is says:  
  
Arranged Marriage: 3/10  
See Marriage. pg. 42>  
  
Leafing through the book, you may notice a few things. First, you will notice that the text is poorly edited, probably as a result of low buget. Second, you will notice that the font is in fact very, very small. This is not in an effort to pack more information into a relatively small volume. Instead, it is an effort to give you bad eyesight, since the author's second profession is one of optometry. And third, if you happen to be paying very close attention, you will notice that page 43 comes directly after page 41.  
  
Page 42 is not actually blank. Rather, it is not actually there at all. One may also notice a lack of pages 17 and 23, as well as a lack of pages in which the sum of the digits is 17. So, for example, there is no page 89, nor a page 98, 188, 179, 197, etc. This can make using the index a bit tricky, as frequently some of the touchier subjects are said to be located on those pages, although why golden apples or the Curse of Eris would be on this list remains a mystery.  
  
Be that as it may, the guide does have many useful things to say, some of them obvious, like avoiding graveyards at midnight, while others are a bit more subtle, such as never spitting forward while in a fast-moving vehicle.  
  
Curiously enough, the guide actually does contain a page 13, which contains the following message:  
  
"This page intentionally left blank. Fnord"  
  
To save on publishing costs, the definition of the word "fnord" has been ommitted.  
  


* * *

* * *

  
  
Author's notes:  
  
This is just a sub-chapter, to prove I am still alive.  
  
Chapter six is about 75% complete at the time of this writing.  
  
Chapter two of my Slayers fanfiction, "Slayers: The Return", is about 90% complete. It will be posted once my prereaders have had a chance to cut my ego into tiny bits.  
  
  
  



End file.
